CLINTON JOKES

Similarities between the Titanic video and the Clinton grand jury testimony video:

Titanic: $9.99 on the Internet
Clinton: $9.99 on the Internet

Titanic: over 3 hours long
Clinton: over 3 hours long

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, a subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: villain - White Star Line
Clinton: villain - Ken Starr

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist
Clinton: Bill is a B.S. artist

Titanic: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit
Clinton: Let's not go there

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
Clinton: Monica forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Behind the scenes, Leonardo DiCaprio is wildly popular
Clinton: Behind the scenes, Bill has a 70% approval rating

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary


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Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and Bill Clinton are on the titanic.

When it starts to sink:

Carter :  "Quick, save the women and children!"

Nixon : "Screw the women and children"

Clinton : "Do we have time?"

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Clinton and the Genie

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."
 

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Clinton's Parrot

One day while at the White House, the maid was cleaning the Oval Office's bird cage -- but, while she was doing it, the parrot flew out the window. The maid was scared that President Clinton would find out and she would be fired. So she went to the pet store and asked the clerk if they had any parrots similar to the one she had lost. The clerk said yes, they had one that looked just like it, but the bird had been in a whorehouse for three years. The maid figured it was better than nothing and bought it.

When she took it back to the White House she put the parrot back in the cage like nothing happened. Later that day, Hillary came in and the parrot said “Too old, too old” -- the First Lady was a bit peeved, but thought nothing of it.

A little bit after that Chelsea came in and the parrot said, “Too young, too young.”

A couple hours later, President Clinton came into the room and the bird chirped enthusiastically, “Hi Bill! Hi Bill!”
 

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Clinton's Pigs

One day as President Clinton was getting off the helicopter in front of the White House, he had a baby pig under each arm.
The Marine guard snapped to attention, salutes, and said: ''Nice pigs, sir.''

The President replied, ''These are not pigs, these are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Hillary, and I got one for Chelsea.''

The Marine again snapped to attention, saluted, and replied, ''Nice trade, sir'''

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Clinton  sure is famous
One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.
Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true," said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world."
Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest stud alive simply because he had been with the most women.
After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.
Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile saying, "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"
Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave muttering, "Who in the hell is Bill Clinton?"

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Clinton and the chinese minister

Prime Minister Mori was given some basic English conversation training before he visits Washington and meets with President Bill Clinton.

The instructor told Mori " Prime Minister, when you shake hands with President Clinton, please say 'how are you'. Then Mr Clinton
should say "I am fine, and you ?" Now you should say 'me too'.
Afterwards we, translators, will do all the work for you."

It looks quite simple, but the truth is ....
When Mori met Clinton, he said by mistake "Who are you ?".
Mr Clinton was a bit shocked but still managed to react with humor :
"Well, I am Hilary's husband, ha ha..."
Then Mori replied confidently "Me too, ha ha ha.."

Then there was a long silent moment in the meeting room.

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Hillary Clinton vs. God

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."
 

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The Bagdad

At a meeting for peace negotiations Bill Clinton and Sadamm Hussein were in Baghdad and when bill sat down in the conference room he noticed Saddamm with three buttons on the arm of his chair. after a few minutes Sadamm pressed the first button and a boxing glove sprung up and hit Bill square in the jaw. In the spirit of peace Bill decided to ignore this and continued talking until sadamm pressed the second button and a wooden bat swung out and hill Bill in the chin. Sadamm started laughing. But again Bill ignored this and continued . A minute later Bill saw Sadamm press the third button and he jumped in the air. But a big boot sprung out and hit him in the balls. Bill had decided he had enough of this and when back home.

Three weeks later the peace negotiations were re-scheduled in Washington and as Sadamm sat down in Bills conference room he noticed Bill had three buttons on the arm of his chair. A little while after they started talking Bill pressed the first button but nothing happened, Bill started giggling. They continued to talk then Bill pressed the second button, Sadamm moved but again nothing happened. Sadamm was getting a little jumpy and Bill was laughing even harder. A few minutes later Bill pressed the third button and stared pissing himself but like the others nothing happened. Sadamm had enough of this, stood up and said "That's it! I'm going back to Baghdad!" , to which Bill replied "What Baghdad?"
 

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